Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine - Cyborg 3

INTERESTING

Oh dear god, I'm back with another “Cyborg” movie. I bet you didn't know there was a second one, let alone a third, but here we are. In fact there are four of these movies...kinda...sorta. But all that cheesy goodness will be revealed soon enough. Today we will be continuing where we left off in “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow”, as we get reacquainted with Cash in “Cyborg 3: The Recycler”.

The year is 1994. Men everywhere were booby-trapped (pun intended) when the Wonder Bra made it's debut. Nickelodeon was on fire with shows like “Aaahh!! Real Monsters”, “The Secret World of Alex Mack”, “Clarissa Explains It All” and “All That”. The song “I Swear” by All 4 One played so often on the radio that many considered suicide. All this and Cyborgs start popping out babies.

THE SKINNY

“Cyborg 3” begins several decades in the future from where we left off with Cash and Colt, who were carving a home for themselves out of the desert. Now, the humans and the cyborg are at odds. The disease that ravaged the humans, during “Cyborg”, has left them weak. And since the Pinwheel Corporation has come to an end, in “Cyborg 2”, the world economy has collapsed. There is no growth and no innovation. For humans to survive they must resort to cannibalizing cyborgs for their parts in order to repair their aging technology. This has created a need for “recyclers” men and women who travel the wastelands searching for cyborg parts. Even hunting cyborgs to harvest their pieces.

Here we meet one such recycler, Anton Lewellyn, Richard Lynch, who has made a living murdering cyborgs for their parts and taking their eyeballs as his trophies. In an early, and very superfluous scene he tries to sell damaged cyborgs to Lord Talon, Malcolm McDowell. Anton and Lord Talon have done business in the past which came to a dismal end. It seems Anton sold the Lord a sexy cyborg who came fitted with “Glass Shadow” explosives. And since this rather explosive encounter, Lord Talon has been equipped with a robotic right hand. I say this is superfluous scene because, sure, we learn a little about Anton, but we never see the Lord Talon character again. The filmmaker wanted to use Malcolm McDowell's star power to help sell this underwhelming film. McDowell is even featured on the cover of the VHS as if he were the star. Well I guess “the old in-out, in-out” wasn't coming as often for this little droog  in 1994, and McDowell had to stoop low for a paycheck.

Anyhow, after meeting with Lord Talon, Anton and his sidekick/muscle Jocko, Andrew Bryniarski,head over to the ol' cyborg whore house for some tail. Here we see Anton pays to torture a naked dancing cyber-gal. Anton is one sadistic son of a bitch. She just wants to love?! This is important because, as he leaves the whore house located in some dusty ghost town, he encounters Cash. Being the ever shrewd recycler, Anton  notices how special Cash is – after all, she is one of a kind. From this point on it becomes his mission to hunt Cash and sell her to the highest bidder.

Cash on the other hand was visiting a cyborg clinic located in the ghost town. She has been feeling weak and has come to see what the problem is. Surprise, it's a baby! Yep, old Colt knocked Cash up. This is interesting because we see Colt die of old age... Was his wiener still working or...what the hell's goin' on here? I guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the good doctor sends Cash, Khrystyne Haje, away on a quest to find Evans, played by THE Zach Galligan from “Gremlins”. Evans was a cyborg designer from back in the day. If anyone can know how Cash got pregnant and what she should do, it will be him.

Now Cash must travel through the desert with Anton hot on her trail. Just when she arrives at Evan's...cyber cave and he runs some tests to prove that she is in fact pregnant. Built with a cybernetic womb and cryogenic sperm bank. The next obstacle to overcome to get Cash to care about the child. At the moment she sees it as a threat to her life. As it grows inside her, it drains her resources. She lacks the nurturing instinct that human woman possess naturally. According to Evans, this is the reason why cyborgs like her was never made, and yet here she is. Again, Cash is a one of a kind.

Anton finally catches up with Cash. She and Evans hop into her not so futuristic dune buggy and head to “Cy-Town” located in the “free zone”. It's another deserted city. But this is time it's one protected by a sophisticated force-field that scrambles cyborg tracking radar, making it appear invisible to recycler. This is the only place cyborgs can live in total safety.

Here in Cy-Town, Cash delivers her baby – a weird cyborg tube...thingy. Apparently newborn cyborgs look like softball sized spark-plugs. Her evolution into motherhood wins the hearts and minds of the other cyborg residents who weren't interested in protecting her from the recyclers on her trail. They would rather just leave her out in the open to keep Cy-Town hidden.

Oh did I say that “recycler” were on her trail. Yep, Anton is a little pissed that Cash and Evans got away and he knows they are headed to Cy-Town so he calls in back-up. Every other recycler he known is traveling through the night to where Cash's was last picked up on cyborg radar.

Anton plans to capture Cash for himself, while letting his recycler friends have at the rest of the population. It would be the largest single cyborg harvest ever.

In the mean time, Evans begins repairing the rag-tag group of wounded and maimed cyborgs who are barley alive to begin with, and preparing them for war against the recyclers – which makes up the final ten or fifteen minutes of the film. Cy-Town looks like a future-realistic version of the Island of Misfit Toys. Poor bastards.

The recyclers find their way into Cy-Town and the battle begins. Eventually Anton and Chas encounter each other, as action movies often end with the main character and villain duking it out at the end – if ya didn't know by now. Cash, in an act of superb tactical planning, or maybe just post-pardon lunacy, uses her child as a decoy so she can full Anton fill of bullets. As he lays dying, he belches out one hell of a string of last words; “Sweet mother of god, this bitch sure has some interesting programming.” lol what? And the cyborgs live on.

 

THE VERDICT

“Cyborg 3” is perhaps even less visual than the previous films. With what I assume is an even smaller budget, “Cyborg 3” is the perfect example of what a straight to video movie is. It is an inferior sequel to a franchise that was forgotten long before it was made. But that doesn't mean that “Cyborg 3” is bad. It's just cheap.

There is great acting mixed with poor acting. B-list celebrities mixed with nobodies. Fight choreography, explosions and stunts mixed will lame practical effects.

Fortunately there are some neat ideas nestled within all of the previously mentioned hodgepodge of what have you.

For starters, Cash has to learn to accept that she will be a mother. It's interesting to see her character evolve and deal with something that woman face everyday – changing their entire lifestyle to care for their baby. It's something that often leads to a deep depression.

Khrystyne Haje's portrayal of the Cash character was well acted, but she didn't seem to feel at home during all the action. Angelina Jolie did a little better job handling the rough and tumble stuff, and selling her character being a bad ass.

Another deep character arch involves Jocko, Anton's muscle. Jocko carries out Anton's brutal bidding, murdering cyborgs left and right – even though he is a cyborg himself. With Cash's help, Jocko learns that he was once a medical officer deployed during war time to act as a battlefield surgeon. He went from saving lives to taking them when Anton stole Jocko from some military depot and erased his memory in order to use him as a muscle bound slave. Once Jocko learns this, he repents by turning on Anton during the final shoot-out. This ends in an emotional conclusion for Jocko that I wouldn't have expected from a film of this caliber.

So in conclusion, there are two ways to look at this film; the first being that it is cheaply made rubbish, and the second being that it is thought provoking and emotional. Somehow both of these are true and I personally feel that if you are willing to sit through “Cyborg 2” then this is required viewing. It's one of those flicks that you won't regret watching it, but at the same time you could easily not know it even exists.

Up next will be “Masters of the Universe” starring Dolph Lundgren, and no I'm not kidding. Find out why, next time.

I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!

For more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

 

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Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine - Cyborg 2

LACKLUSTER

Continuing our little celebration of Arnold returning to the silver screen as a futuristic killing machine, I bring to you the third film in this series. The “3rd” you ask? But it's called “Cyborg 2”, not “Cyborg 3” you say. That's another movie entirely. “What Gives?” you ask. Well stop sayin' and askin' crap! You will learn all about that in due time.

The year was 1993. Mulder introduced Skully to the world of the paranormal, the hit television show “Cheers” came to an end, we all learned how dangerous Raptors are with the release of Jurassic Park, and the world began to ask, “Got Milk?”. All this and Angelina Jolie makes Phillip K. Dick proud as she plays a human-like replicant in “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow”.

THE SKINY

The film begins by explaining that in the year 2074, the world was locked in a corporate battle between Kobayashi Electronics (Japan) and Pinwheel Robotics (USA). They struggled against one-another for dominance in the field of cyborg manufacturing. Naturally, cyborgs have replaces humans in nearly every respect. “From the soldier in the field, to the prostitute in the brothel”.

The landscape is dense, mechanical and filthy – in the kind of way that becomes a cyber-punk's wet dream. But to me it seems unbearable. If I lived there, I'd just kill myself and let a cyborg take my place at the cheesecake factory. Ironically, when I worked there, we no longer made cheesecake. The factory had been retrofitted to produce soylent. Our slogan was; “It's not as good, but it's good for you!. That was before all the Apocalypse was stuff.

Any how, Pinwheel has designed a new type of seducing cyborg. But they weren't created for pleasure. They were created for corporate espionage. They use a highly flammable liquid explosive as a coolant, and after the cyborg successfully targets and seduces their mark, they detonate when they orgasm. Okay, it isn't explained quite like that. However, it is exactly what happens.

Now we meet Cash, Angelina Jolie, who just so happens to be one of these dangerous robo-vixens. She is being trained/practicing/being tested in some for of martial arts by Colt – played by none other than Elias Koteas, who you may remember as Casey Jones, from a little thing called “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.

Cash is designed to feel human emotions, as a way to keep her deadly intentions a secret. This makes her all the more believable – right up to the moment she explodes. But because of this Cash develops feelings for Colt. Colt can't control his urges either, and soon the two of them are rendezvousing deep within the bowels of Pinwheel late at night. This sort of thing is a major no-no. Pinwheel can't let their expensive new cyborgs get all filled up with ooie-gooie man juice.

Once Cash is discovered missing from her room, security is alerted and they search the facility. Cash and Colt slowly make their way outside, not before fighting off wave after wave of Pinwheel's armed guards.

This whole event – the rendezvous, the security alert and Cash 'N' Colt being tipped off that they are being pursued by security – is the handy work of a hacker who goes by the name Mercy, Jack Palance. He also explains to Cash what exactly her purpose is. Now the odd couple --  those “Robo-Sexuals” – have to stay on the lamb long enough to have Cash's detonator removed, all while Mercy continues to guide them from he secret hacker lair.

Now that the couple are on the outside, Pinwheel hires Danny Bench, Billy Drago, who is a contract killer who Pinwheel routinely use to hunt down escapee and defective androids. His job this time is to find the couple, kill Colt and return Cash to Pinwheel.

While Cash 'N' Colt traverse the dystopian city-scape running from Bench, Mercy starts to make his presence known to Pinwheel. As it turns out, Mercy once worked for Pinwheel, and like Colt, he fell in love with one of their androids. When his supervisors found out, Mercy was fired and his android bride was confiscated and destroyed. Now, Mercy has been helping Cash 'N' Colt less out of the kindness of his heart, and more as a way to exact his revenge on Pinwheel. The escape of Cash was part of Mercy's carefully thought out plan to use Cash against them.

As the film nears it's end, Mercy arranges an escape for Cash 'N' Colt. They are to leave on an outbound cargo ship, but there is a catch. For the two to get aboard, Colt must win their place on the ship by fighting to the death in an underground bare-knuckle boxing match. And who will Colt fight? None other than Bench. This whole part feels kind of tacked on and unnecessary. It also feels like “Casablanca”, how a do-gooder aids a fleeing couple in a self sacrificing act as the ship/plain is about to leave the country.

So yes, Colt and his robo-bride do manage to escape after Colt murders Bench by pushing him into the spinning boat propeller. With a little help from Mercy and his automatic shotgun, the couple make their way to the ship just as some of Pinwheel‘s security guards arrive to “break up the party“. But we kinda knew that was going to happen anyway, right?

The film ends with Mercy paying one last visit to Pinwheel headquarters. He brings with him Cash's extracted glass shadow detonator, which he tricks the Pinwheel CEO into detonating. In a final act of defiance, Mercy blows up Pinwheel, it's CEO as well as himself. I'm assuming this was followed by Kobayashi Electronics taking over the entire robotics market. The End

THE VERDICT

“Cyborg 2” kinda, sorta, has the right idea. Deep down in there there are concepts that – if fleshed out a bit better – could have really given this film a point. For instance, robots who learn to love and how they fit and adapt in society, could be interesting. Or better yet, the film could have posed the question; “When is being not human, human enough?”. Since Colt has fallen in love with Cash, and even wants to put his noodle in her slop tube, at what point does Cash stop being a robot and start being a human inside a normal human relationship. She looks sounds and smells human after all.

This type of film could have offered up some heavy ideas while still being laced with shoot-out/kung-fu action. As for the action, it reminds me a bit of the Pam Anderson flick “Barbwire”. “Barbwire” was nothing more than a futuristic re-telling of “Casablanca”, starring an indie comicbook heroine – which I should also review by the way. This felt a lot like “Barbwire” in the way that all the action and “heavy ideas” take a backseat to the survival driven love story. That's all fine and well, but it felt like both, the action and the love story, were pulling to two different direction. As if the action and fight sequences were there just to remind us that it was an action flick.

Oh well. It's an interesting piece of science fiction that reflects the times in which it was made, as well as a fond appreciation for films like “Blade Runner” and certain anime. Not to mention that it has an interesting cast for a film that feels like it was straight to video. Soon to be stars like Jolie, and familiar faces like Drago. Drago is one of those actors who I always think of as being typecast in the genre of horror, and like Clint Howard, it just isn't true. They have faces for horror I guess.

So in conclusion, “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow” isn’t too good, but it isn't too bad either. It offers something a little different from the other “Cyborg” films and is worth a watch if you are interested in the series. However there is another cyborg/action/love story that I can whole heartedly recommend, and it's called “Cherry 2000”. It has a very similar story, involving the future and sex robots, but the story is better told and is more fun to watch. It's a soon to be cult film, as soon as people learn what it is. It's one part grindhouse, one part noire and three parts cheeky entertainment.

I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!

For more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

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Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine - Cyborg

ANIME-ISH

With  a new “Terminator” movie in theaters, I thought it best to take a look at another film series that features cybernetic entities, “Cyborg”. Oh, why not the “Terminator” franchise you ask? Because punk! I just reviewed a bunch of Arnold flicks , and besides, I bet you don't know nothin' about “Cyborg”.

The year is 1989. The Exxon Valdez runs aground and spills 1,2000,000 gallons of oil, Nintendo releases the wildly successful Game Boy, and  “Batman” battled “Indiana Jones...” at the box office. All this and Jean-Claude Van Damme battles to save the world from futuristic pirates in “Cyborg“.

THE SKINNY

The film takes place in New York City , in “the future” and it's explained to us in a voice over that over the past few decades there has been anarchy, genocide, famine and now a plague that has ravaged humanity. But there is hope, in the form of a cure.

These words are told to us by Fender, Vincent Klyn, the films antagonist and all around evil guy. He then explains that he enjoys the suffering, the death and he wants to get his hands on the cure so he can control it and live like a god – choosing who lives and who dies.

Early in the film, Fender and his gang of post-apocalyptic dressed Village People rape and pillage a seaside settlement and as this happens, we see a lady cyborg being shooed out the back. She has been given specific orders to escape Fender and his gang, locate and hire a “slinger” to help protect her on her journey and deliver the cure to the right people in Atlanta who will be able to develop it and restore humanity.

Somewhere there are internet nerds writing blog posts theorizing that “Cyborg” and “The Walking Dead” are somehow connected. There aren't any zombie in “Cyborg“, but the plague could be the same disease that brought about the “walkers”. And just because you don't see zombies, doesn't mean that they aren't there. In the second season of The Walking Dead, Rick's crew make their way to the C.D.C. in Atlanta looking for salvation and answers. In “Cyborg” the lady cyborg, who's name is Pearl, is also making her way to Atlanta to deliver the cure and reach salvation. Conspiracy alert! “Cyborg” is set in the future of “The Walking Dead“. You just read it on the internet, so it MUST be true!

Fender is one of those evil dudes who's goals are so extreme that you wonder, “if he gets his way how would even he survive?”. He's a bit of a comicbook super-villian in the way that they might concoct a scheme to destroy the world, never taking into account that if Earth explodes so will they.

I mean sure, he will have the cure, or at least the recipe for the cure, but he isn't a scientist. How the hell would he know what to do with it if he catches the plague? Or if enough humans die, what is there to rule over? Does this guy know how to grow and cultivate his own food to survive in this post-apocalyptic wasteland?

We're only ten minutes in and already Fender's motives are suspect. But I digress.

Soon Pearl happens into the same ramshackle town and encounters Gibson, Jean-Claude Van Damme, who is a former “slinger” and survivor of this brutal world that they live in. Pearl explains her quest – even telling him that she is a cyborg as she pleads for him to escort her to Atlanta. But before he can make up his mind, they are ambushed by Fender and his gang. They take Pearl and leave Gibson for dead.

This isn't the first time Gibson has encountered Fender. As we learn through an entire series of flashbacks, Gibson gave up the life of being hired mercenary, aka “slinger”, to settle down with the love of his wife and her two children. But not long after they settled in a nice country home, Fender shows up to rape, kill and kidnap Gibson's newly adopted daughter to be used as a sex slave.

Now, only mildly interested in saving the cure, Gibson heads south from New York to Atlanta to track and hunt Fender.

Along the way Gibson meets another damsel in distress, Nady, Deborah Richter. He allows her to tag along while protecting her from Fender's attacks and she in return acts as his moral compass. Before long, Gibson softens to the young woman and she becomes his love interest.

This is something that Fender uses to his advantage once he is tipped off that Gibson is tracking him. He sets a trap, luring Gibson and Nady into an abandoned factory building where Gibson manages to fight off wave after wave of attacks before he is outnumbered and forced to flee with a wounded Nady. Fender and his gang follow Gibson and Nady, and they are overtaken .

But first, Gibson's kidnapped daughter makes her presence known. Now, all grown up and brainwashed, she appears, to show her adopted father that she is now in love with her captor. Whoa, what a mind fuck!

Gibson is tied to the mast of an old sailboat and left to die...again. Flashbacks of Fender attacking his family bring on a rage educed “hulk-up” that allows Gibson to shatter the mast – freeing himself – and he and Nady continue on to Atlanta in pursuit Fender and Pearl.

Along the way Gibson gets a clue and this time decides to not play by Fender's rules and instead plan a trap for him. Like a scene out of “300” or “Lord of the Rings”, Gibson forces Fender and his gang through a narrow passage in some junkyard town – The Battle of Helm's Garbage Heap.

Here Gibson picks off Fender's remaining crew before he and Fender battle it out themselves – just as  a storm rolls in. Because you can't have a kick-ass final boss fight with out thunder and lightning.

The slug-fest ends when Fender introduces a knife. Gibson breaks his arm, takes the knife and stabs him in the chest with it. Ya think that would be enough, but it isn't. Fender re-animates and the fight continues. Gibson then impales him on a giant hook.

In the end, Gibson gets reacquainted with his kidnapped daughter, Haley. They, with Pearl, mourn the loss of Nady, who was killed protecting Pearl from Fender's gang leading up to the final fight.

Before the credits roll, we see Pearl reaching her Atlanta contact and I can only assume that the cure fixes the world...Who am I kidding? I know that's not true because there are two more “Cyborg” movies.

 
THE VERDICT

Gibson becomes locked in heated battle with Fender to a fight to the death... So these guys are named after guitars...*facepalm. Wait a minute, the name Pearl is a company that manufactures top of the line drums. I would bet money that they tried to name Nady “Zildjian”.

The story isn't the most original, but it isn't bad. It's really a collection of futuristic things thrown in the same pot together and often feels like an anime in the way the fights are choreographed and filmed, and even “The Seven Samurai” somehow. Some scenes have minimal dialogue and this might be what lends itself to feel a bit like an anime – sorta foreign.

The cyborg effects don't look as good as say, “Terminator”, but for a low budget Cannon film, I think they turned out pretty good. Believe me, I've seen some crap effects in my time and these here aren't half bad.

The fights are creative in the way Gibson and his enemies use their surroundings, and in JCVD's case, his splits. What makes the fights look less good is the editing and certain camera angles. This is true for the entire film, mostly where editing is concerned. It just isn't edited very smoothly. And as for the camera angles, sometimes the camera is in a creative place/angle while other times it feels like it's in the way of the action.

The acting is the weakest element to this film. JCVD isn't the best actor, but he certainly isn't awful. With that said, this is one of his earlier works and isn't his best. The rest of the cast is on par with the special effects – not the greatest but by Cannon standards it's top notch. Vincent Klyn however...is something. He's odd to look at and odd to listen to and some of his dialogue seems like it was written with “A Clockwork Orange” in mind or something and...he's just an odd dude.

So in conclusion, “Cyborg” is an interesting addition to the post-apocalyptic sci-fi films of the '80s not as good as the immortal “Terminator” and certainly not as bad as some of the other post-apocalyptic VHS flicks that I've reviewed in months past. It hovers somewhere between entertaining and watchable.

I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!

For more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

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