 |
| RIDICULOUS |
The year
is 1969. While the Woodstock music festival rocks the world Apollo 11 lands on
the surface of the Moon. The Beatles perform together live for the last time,
250,000 people march on Washington D.C. to protest the Vietnam War and Austrian
born Mr. Universe winner dons the name Arnold “Strong” for his big film
debut in “Hercules in New
York“.
Oh boy,
the swinging ‘60s is upon us. Set your seats in their upright and locked
position. The Action Movie Time Machine is set to our target destination. You
did remember to ware your bell-bottoms and Led Zeppelin t-shirts right?…RIGHT?!
THE
SKINNY
“Hercules
in New York” begins high atop Mt. Olympus with the Greek Gods who are gathered
around Zeus as Hercules, Arnold Strong aka Arnold Schwarzenegger, is
pleading his case, that he should be allowed to visit Earth. Hercules has grown
bored with the godly lifestyle and wants to explore the lives and times of us
mortals.
This
angers Zeus, who thinks that Hercules’s place is among the other gods. For his
insolence, Zeus decides to punish Hercules by…sending him to Earth…to interact
with the mortals…Does this makes sense anyone else?
With a
fiery thunderbolt, Hercules disappears from Olympus and falls to Earth, past a
Pan American flight and into the Atlantic Ocean. Here Hercules is picked up by
a shipping freighter where there is some confusion over who he is -- not
understanding that he is the real Hercules -- and how he wound up so far off
shore.
Soon the
ship docs in, none other than, New York City and Hercules decides to leave the
ship and stretch his legs which for some reason turns into a brawl among
Hercules and the ship hands/doc workers. This is one of many scenes that
illustrates the “fish out of water” story that is “Hercules in New York”.
Prepare yourself for hijinx.
As
Hercules escapes the brawl, he meets an interesting individual who goes by the
name Pretzie, Arnold Stang. Pretzie makes a living by selling pretzels
to the doc workers during lunch, and now, he acts as Hercules’s tour guide.
The odd
couple travel all over the city and misunderstandings are abundant. Herc and
Pretzie have no money to pay for a cab ride -- a fight breaks out between Herc
and the cab driver which results in Herc turning the cab over onto it’s roof.
But, that’s not before Herc says one of the more memorable lines of the film; “Bucks?
Doe? What is all this zoological talk about male and female animals?”. Of
course this is in reference to money.
Later,
while showing up a track and field team, he meets Helen, Deborah Loomis,
and the two hit it off. While on their date, Helen treats Herc to a carriage
ride through Central Park. There in the park, Herc and his date encounter a “600
pound grizzly bear…known to be surly and dangerous” that recently escaped
from the zoo. Herc protects Helen and defends the honor of young woman by
battling the bear in hand to hand combat…TO THE DEATH! Some say it’s a bear,
but I say it’s a man in a cheap bear suit --Classic.
Most of
this is just goofy fun, showcasing Herc’s strength and Arnolds “Strong”’s grasp
of the English language. But now we approach the meat of the film.
Pretzie
and Herc decide to use his strength to make a little bit of money by entering
him into wrestling matches and soon his victories attract the attention of some
mobster types -- who are named Maxie, Fat-Lips and Nitro, just for the record.
The
mobsters “lean” on Pretzie, forcing him to sign Herc into a contract working
for the them. This is all fine and well, for a while, until the mobsters set up
and promote a weight lifting challenge pitting Hercules the Great against
Monstro the Magnificent.
Before
this takes place, there is a doin’s transpirin’ up on Olympus. Juno is
scheming to deal Hercules a humiliating blow, forever disgracing him in the
eyes of his father Zeus. Her plan is to slip a magical powder into Hercules’s
drink -- causing him to temporarily lose his godly strength and causing him to
lose the competition.
Who the
hell is Juno you ask? Well, Juno is the Roman counterpart to Hera of Greek
mythology from which Hercules and Zeus come from. There is a lot of Roman names
used for Greek gods in this film. It seems like someone didn’t do their
homework. In fact, the man who wrote this film, Aubrey Wisberg, never
went on to write, direct or produce anything else. This was the end of his
career. Let that be a lesson to you all, just how important it is to know your
gods.
So Hera’s
plan, I mean, Juno’s plan works without a hitch and Hercules loses the
weightlifting challenge. Herc’s mob promoters aren’t to happy with him -- they
put a lot of money on Herc to win and they feel they’ve been cheated.
Herc and
Pretzie make a break for it, which begins a lengthy chase through Central Park,
Time Square and finally ends inside a printing factory where Herc and Pretzie
are cornered. Without his godly strength, Herc is a sitting duck.
High
above, Zeus looks down at Hercules and declares that no son of his shall be
taken out by any group of mortal ruffians. He, with the help of Mercury and
Venus, calls for the aid of Atlas and Samson to help his beloved son and
together the strongmen are able to fight off the mob.
With
Hercules safely back on Mt. Olympus, the film ends with Zeus paying New York a
visit of his own. And if the tales of Zeus are any indication of what he’ll be
doing on Earth, there will be many fatherless demi-gods being born in the year
1970.
THE
VERDICT
Boy, this
movie sure is something. I’m sure you can tell that this isn’t your typical
Arnold film.
This was
Arnold’s first film and you can tell by his mediocre acting and speech. But
that’s what gives the film it’s charm. Arnold is billed as “Arnold Strong”
because the filmmaker thought an American audience wouldn’t be able to
pronounce Schwarzenegger. In some cases this is still true today.
I don’t
know if “Hercules in New York” ever got the MST3K treatment, but it sure
deserves it. Arnolds speech was so poor that, after it was filmed, his dialogue
was dubbed over. For many years this was the only version available in theaters
or on VHS. Only recently -- with Arnolds popularity being what it is -- did the
film get a DVD release restoring his original dialogue. This is the version
that is a MUST SEE.
Arnold
isn’t the only thing that makes this stinker into a cult classic.
The
acting is mediocre overall with the exceptions of Arnold Stang and James Karen,
who plays Helen’s father. These two play their rolls very well, and Stang’s
totally animated faces are the best.
The
Olympian set is nothing more than a New York park. If you listen close you can
hear children playing and car horns in the background. And of course the
mythology mix-up doesn’t help things. Zeus even has to borrow Samson from the
Bible. LOL
So in
conclusion, “Hercules in New York” is amazing for all the wrong reasons and I
highly recommend it. The film deserves a .5 bullet rating, but due to it’s
shier amount of ridiculous entertainment I bump that rating up to a full 5
bullets.
This has
been a fun look at a wide variety of Arnold Schwarzenegger films. Arnold is
probably my favorite action star, and now you know why. He’s done it all; the
good and bad, action and comedy, he has an unmatched bodybuilding career, he is
a bestselling author, and became the governor of California all before
returning home to the silver screen where he belongs. This won’t be the last you’ll
see of Arnold her at The Action Movie Time Machine.
I’m Cory
Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine. Until
next time, I’LL BE BACK!
For more
from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of weekly podcasts, reviewing
the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
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