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| QUINTESSENTIAL |
I've
covered quite a few obscure and strange action films here with the “Action
Movie Time Machine”, but I feel that I've neglected the legendary Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Sure I reviewed Jingle All the Way for Christmas, but the name
“Arnold” is synonymous with the Action genre. So, over the next few reviews we
will be celebrating the films of Arnold.
The
year is 1985. The Nintendo Entertainment System was released in North America
and changed home gaming forever. The first Blockbuster Video opened in Dallas
Texas. Hulk Hogan & Mr. T took center stage at the very first WrestleMania
and Jefferson Starship “...built this city on Rock and Roll”.
THE
SKINNY
“Commando”
begins with John Matrix, Arnold Schwarzenegger, yep that's his real
name. John is a former elite Black Ops Commando who has settled down in the
Californian mountain tops where he is raising his twelve year old daughter
Jenny, who is played by Alyssa Milano. This is long before Alyssa grew up and
chose to show her bewbs in “Embrace of the Vampire”. But I digress.
One
day John Matrix is visited by his former commanding officer, Major General
Franklin Kirby, who informs him that the men from his old unit are being
systematically killed off by someone who they can't identify. Soon after this
warning, the Matrix family are ambushed by a para-military group and Jenny is
kidnapped before John save her.
As
it turns out, this group knows about John and his combat record. John is one of
the most accomplished tactical fighters in the world, and after eliminating the
only men who could help John, his team, they kidnap his daughter to force John
into working for them. The plan is for John to assassinate some South American
president so Arius, Dan Hedaya, can take over in his place. Arius has
given John a deadline of only so many hours to fly to South America,
assassinate the president and return or else his daughter will be killed.
Arius
is a ruthless dictator and would torture and kill his own people in order to
keep his power and John knows that he will have to think outside of the box if
he is going to keep the peace in South America and get his daughter back.
Working
for Arius are four main bad guys. We have Jackson, Sully, Cook & Bennett.
Sully escorts John and Jackson to the airport. Once on the plane John manages
to snap the neck of Jackson. He then covers him with a blanket and tells the
flight attendant not to disturb his friend, “he's dead tired”.
John
then escapes the plane just as it's wheels leave the ground. He follows Sully
to learn where his daughter is being held. The film takes a detour when Sully
goes to a near by shopping mall where a shootout occurs which evolves into a
ten man brawl between John and mall security. John follows an escaping Sully
and soon after, catches up with him and drops him off the face of a cliff. This
is, of course, not before he gets info that leads him to Cook.
John
has a run-in with Cook at Sully's hotel room. Soon Cook has been murdered and
John learns that Arius is living on an island off the South American coast and
this must be where Jenny is being held captive. John, recruiting the help of
Cindy, a helpful stranger, breaks into a local gun store and loads up on some
heavy duty military weaponry including claymore mines and a rocket-launcher.
Why does this small business owner have all these dangerous weapons you ask?
Well he's a gun nut and the Second Amendment gives him the right to do whatever
the hell he wants. God Bless America!
John
& Cindy then steal a plane and fly to this coastal island where the film
goes from 0 to 60 in no time. Left and right, John is blowing soldiers away and
after an incalculable number of bullets have been fired, all are dead, even
Arius, except Bennett, Vernon Wells.
This
hand to hand battle is personal between the two men and proves to be one of the
more interesting fights, not only for it's action but for it's dialogue. There
is a whole lotta strange goin' on here. Bennett threatens to shoot John between
the balls before John wallops Bennett an incredible 15 times with his massive
hammer fists before impaling him with a pipe. This allows steam to escape from
some sort of boiler, through the pile and also through Bennett's body. “Why
don't you let off some steam Bennett?” is the final one-liner delivered by
John Matrix before he, Jenny and Cindy fly home from the tropical island to go
on living their normal lives. The End.
THE
VERDICT
What
makes “Commando” work is, first and foremost, it's machismo. This is something
that a lot of other action films try to emulate but fail hard in their attempt.
Arnold portrays a man so well trained that he can't be seen as helpless and
when his training fails, he has his sweet Arnold Muscles. Who needs training
when you can rip bucket seat out of a car with your bare hands? He is bad-ass!
The
next thing that “Commando” has going for it is “one-liners”. Sometimes when I
offer up a “Memorable One Liner” in these reviews, and they aren't even
one-liners. They might just be a funny piece of dialogue that stands out to me
because they're aren't any one-liners in the whole damn film. “Commando” has SO
many one-liners, I had to do some serious soul searching to pick the one I felt
was the most ”Memorable”.
And
last, but not least, “Commando” has gay overtones. Something every great action
film must have. Why? I don't know, because that's how they did it in the '80s,
so that's how it should always be done. It's kinda like the Bible. When you
hear someone say “turn water into wine”, you might be reminded of the
Bible. And when I see a big pile of gay in my action movies, I'm reminded of
the '80s and that's a beautiful thing.
Where
is “the gay” to be found in this film? Between John and Bennett. John kicked
Bennett out of his team because he liked killing too much and now Bennett will
have his revenge by killing Jenny and watching John suffer. The way this is
portrayed comes off like some strange steroid fueled romance gone awry. With
lines like; “Come on, let the girl go, just between you and me, don't
deprive yourself of some pleasure, come on Bennett, let's party! ”, that
just add gasoline to the sadomasochist gay fire.
While
the story takes some detours, it remains simple enough to be believable. The
same goes for the acting. There aren't any award winning performances here, but
the subject matter doesn't offer many
opportunities for emotion. Let's face it, there is no room for emotion when
there is a shirtless Arnold holding a rocket launcher. One more thing, the
soundtrack. It sports a recurring steel drum theme that is pretty catchy.
“Commando”
is a blood dripping, bullet ridden, explosion filled blast that will leave you
fist pumping for victory. They don't make 'em like this anymore and that is
just the reason “Commando” is the quintessential '80s action flick.
I’m
Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”.
Until next time, Semper Fi Punk!
For
more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com,
where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing
the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
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