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| GOOFY FUN |
It is the
holiday season and I bet you in the mood for something snowy and action packed.
Am I right? Well all aboard the “Action Movie Time Machine” as we’ll be
jingling all the way to some mid ‘90s holiday fun.
Hey! Quit
your bitchin’, it’s got Arnold in it. Oh okay, if you are looking for a serious
action flick that takes place during the holidays, you might want to check out
“Long Kiss Goodnight” starring Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. But of course
there is always “Die Hard”.
The year
is 1996. The “Macarena” was a suicide educing dance craze that was storming the
nation. It helped some forget the death of rapper Tupac. The “Uni-Bomber” was
brought to justice, and the Nintendo 64 made it’s debut.
THE SKINNY
Our tale
begins with Howard Langston, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an overworked
executive who has made a bad habit of putting his job before his wife and son,
Liz and Jamie. Howard recently forgot to go to his Jamie’s karate exhibition
and now it’s the last stray. If Howard screws up one more time, he’ll lose them
both for sure.
And just
such an opportunity presents itself with Christmas. Liz told Howard months ago
that he should pick up the wildly popular “Turbo Man” action figure for their
son. “Turbo Man” is the new “Tickle Me Elmo” , every kid wants one, even Jamie,
Jake Lloyd. Turbo Man is his favorite thing in the whole world. It goes
without saying that Howard forgets to buy the toy, and the rest of the film is
Howard frantically fumbling around like a man-baby trying not to disappoint his
son.
The
problem is that Howard isn’t the only one on the hunt for a Turbo Man. While at
the local mall, traversing the waves of fat, last minute, toy hungry shoppers,
he encounters Myron, Sinbad, a postal worker also on the hunt for Turbo
Man. Howard and Myron compete against each other to land themselves a Turbo Man
in time for Christmas. Hijinx ensue and neither man has their toy.
This
lands Howard in the back of a warehouse looking to buy a “hot” Turbo Man from
an underground league of hired Santas lead by “Mall Santa“, Jim Belushi.
When Howard realizes that he’s being ripped off, he calls ‘em on it and a fight
breaks out between Howard and “Huge Santa” played by Paul “The Big Show”
Wight. Hijinx ensue and again, Howard is without the toy. There is also a tiny
Santa played by Vern Troyer. “Jingle All the Way” is a regular Who’s Who.
Some
other hijinx ensue that involve bombing a radio station, setting a neighbor’s
house on fire and punching a reindeer in the face, then getting it hammered.
Every word I just said is 100% true.
Liz and
Jamie head downtown to watch the annual holiday parade with their neighbor Ted,
Phil Hartman, and his son. Howard known that Ted is a bit of a Casanova,
and when he sees them leave together he suspects the worst. Also, Howard knows
that there will be a Turbo Man giveaway. He has to act quick if he’s going to
save Christmas, as well as his family.
Once
Howard arrives he is spotted by parade staff and is mistaken for the actor who
will be donning the Turbo Man costume for the parade, and is quickly packed
into the suit.
Howard
does a pretty good job playing the part, even performing with other Turbo Man
characters, until Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man’s arch nemesis, Dementor.
The rest of the film plays out like a plot from an old superhero serial.
Dementor holds Jamie ransom until his demands of a Turbo Man toy are met, and
Turbo Man uses his jet pack to rescue Jamie, vanquish Dementor and save the
day.
In the
end, Howard had to become his son’s real life hero in order to earn his love.
The End.
THE
VERDICT
Well,
that’s “Jingle All the Way”. It wouldn’t otherwise warrant an “Action Movie
Time Machine” review, since it is a family film. A goofy one at that. But it is
fun. It falls somewhere between it’s so bad it’s good and genuinely funny.
Which is a strange way to describe it. The comedy isn’t strong, typical for a
family film, but there are also some comedic gems hidden here and there.
It
follows the standard formula of; A protagonist who is work obsessed and
neglects his family. Something external forces this dummy to re-evaluate his
priorities and apply himself. In this case it is his wife and son. Along the
way hijinx ensue. This formula is the only way television execs make sit-coms
anymore. And that’s why shows like “According to Jim” suck so
hard.
What
makes this film worth watching is all the “other stuff“. Seeing
Schwarzenegger in his prime, acting like such a goof is a lot of fun. Almost as
much fun as “Last Action Hero”. Playing the sit-com formula for slapstick
laughs, juxtaposed against his bullet riddled and blood drenched career, for
some reason, brings me joy.
Phil
Hartman is the shit. It’s a shame there wasn’t more room for him in this film.
He is a total highlight. Everything he has ever done is hilarious. The Pee-Wee Herman
Show, News Radio, The Simpsons, SNL -- all gold! Sinbad isn’t half bad either.
A lot of his postal worker traits and comments flew under the radar when I saw
this as a kid, but as an adult, I caught every perverted and insane one of the.
The stuff I don’t like so much about “Jingle All
the Way”, like the big headed annoying kid and the stereotypical force family
feelings, are easy to overlook. After all, it’s a holiday picture. There aren’t
too many of them out there that stray from family feelings this time of year.
And ya gotta love a movie with superheroes, even if they’re made up.
One other
quick thing I like about “Jingle All the Way” is the toys. When Arnold is
running around the mall you get to see all kinds of now vintage toys on the
shelves. Oh the nostalgia. This is also a fun game to play while watching
“Silent Night, Deadly Night”, a not so family friendly holiday movie.
So if
you’re in the mood for something different -- something you can watch with the
kiddies, “Jingle All the Way” is for you.
I’m Cory
Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until
next time, Happy Holidays Punk!
For more
from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where
he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the
films that are legendary, even in Hell!
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