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| LACKLUSTER |
Continuing
our little celebration of Arnold returning to the silver screen as a futuristic
killing machine, I bring to you the third film in this series. The “3rd” you
ask? But it's called “Cyborg 2”, not “Cyborg 3” you say. That's another movie
entirely. “What Gives?” you ask. Well stop sayin' and askin' crap! You will
learn all about that in due time.
The
year was 1993. Mulder introduced Skully to the world of the paranormal, the hit
television show “Cheers” came to an end, we all learned how dangerous Raptors
are with the release of Jurassic Park, and the world began to ask, “Got Milk?”.
All this and Angelina Jolie makes Phillip K. Dick proud as she plays a
human-like replicant in “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow”.
THE
SKINY
The
film begins by explaining that in the year 2074, the world was locked in a
corporate battle between Kobayashi Electronics (Japan) and Pinwheel Robotics
(USA). They struggled against one-another for dominance in the field of cyborg
manufacturing. Naturally, cyborgs have replaces humans in nearly every respect.
“From the soldier in the field, to the prostitute in the brothel”.
The
landscape is dense, mechanical and filthy – in the kind of way that becomes a
cyber-punk's wet dream. But to me it seems unbearable. If I lived there, I'd
just kill myself and let a cyborg take my place at the cheesecake factory.
Ironically, when I worked there, we no longer made cheesecake. The factory had
been retrofitted to produce soylent. Our slogan was; “It's not as good, but
it's good for you!. That was before all the Apocalypse was stuff.
Any
how, Pinwheel has designed a new type of seducing cyborg. But they weren't
created for pleasure. They were created for corporate espionage. They use a highly
flammable liquid explosive as a coolant, and after the cyborg successfully
targets and seduces their mark, they detonate when they orgasm. Okay, it isn't
explained quite like that. However, it is exactly what happens.
Now
we meet Cash, Angelina Jolie, who just so happens to be one of these
dangerous robo-vixens. She is being trained/practicing/being tested in some for
of martial arts by Colt – played by none other than Elias Koteas, who you may
remember as Casey Jones, from a little thing called “The Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles”.
Cash
is designed to feel human emotions, as a way to keep her deadly intentions a
secret. This makes her all the more believable – right up to the moment she
explodes. But because of this Cash develops feelings for Colt. Colt can't
control his urges either, and soon the two of them are rendezvousing deep
within the bowels of Pinwheel late at night. This sort of thing is a major
no-no. Pinwheel can't let their expensive new cyborgs get all filled up with
ooie-gooie man juice.
Once
Cash is discovered missing from her room, security is alerted and they search
the facility. Cash and Colt slowly make their way outside, not before fighting
off wave after wave of Pinwheel's armed guards.
This
whole event – the rendezvous, the security alert and Cash 'N' Colt being tipped
off that they are being pursued by security – is the handy work of a hacker who
goes by the name Mercy, Jack Palance. He also explains to Cash what
exactly her purpose is. Now the odd couple --
those “Robo-Sexuals” – have to stay on the lamb long enough to
have Cash's detonator removed, all while Mercy continues to guide them from he
secret hacker lair.
Now
that the couple are on the outside, Pinwheel hires Danny Bench, Billy Drago,
who is a contract killer who Pinwheel routinely use to hunt down escapee and
defective androids. His job this time is to find the couple, kill Colt and
return Cash to Pinwheel.
While
Cash 'N' Colt traverse the dystopian city-scape running from Bench, Mercy
starts to make his presence known to Pinwheel. As it turns out, Mercy once
worked for Pinwheel, and like Colt, he fell in love with one of their androids.
When his supervisors found out, Mercy was fired and his android bride was
confiscated and destroyed. Now, Mercy has been helping Cash 'N' Colt less out
of the kindness of his heart, and more as a way to exact his revenge on
Pinwheel. The escape of Cash was part of Mercy's carefully thought out plan to
use Cash against them.
As
the film nears it's end, Mercy arranges an escape for Cash 'N' Colt. They are
to leave on an outbound cargo ship, but there is a catch. For the two to get
aboard, Colt must win their place on the ship by fighting to the death in an
underground bare-knuckle boxing match. And who will Colt fight? None other than
Bench. This whole part feels kind of tacked on and unnecessary. It also feels
like “Casablanca”, how a do-gooder aids a fleeing couple in a self sacrificing
act as the ship/plain is about to leave the country.
So
yes, Colt and his robo-bride do manage to escape after Colt murders Bench by
pushing him into the spinning boat propeller. With a little help from Mercy and
his automatic shotgun, the couple make their way to the ship just as some of
Pinwheel‘s security guards arrive to “break up the party“. But we kinda
knew that was going to happen anyway, right?
The
film ends with Mercy paying one last visit to Pinwheel headquarters. He brings
with him Cash's extracted glass shadow detonator, which he tricks the Pinwheel
CEO into detonating. In a final act of defiance, Mercy blows up Pinwheel, it's
CEO as well as himself. I'm assuming this was followed by Kobayashi Electronics
taking over the entire robotics market. The End
THE
VERDICT
“Cyborg
2” kinda, sorta, has the right idea. Deep down in there there are concepts that
– if fleshed out a bit better – could have really given this film a point. For
instance, robots who learn to love and how they fit and adapt in society, could
be interesting. Or better yet, the film could have posed the question; “When
is being not human, human enough?”. Since Colt has fallen in love with
Cash, and even wants to put his noodle in her slop tube, at what point does
Cash stop being a robot and start being a human inside a normal human
relationship. She looks sounds and smells human after all.
This
type of film could have offered up some heavy ideas while still being laced
with shoot-out/kung-fu action. As for the action, it reminds me a bit of the
Pam Anderson flick “Barbwire”. “Barbwire” was nothing more than a futuristic
re-telling of “Casablanca”, starring an indie comicbook heroine – which I
should also review by the way. This felt a lot like “Barbwire” in the way that
all the action and “heavy ideas” take a backseat to the survival driven love
story. That's all fine and well, but it felt like both, the action and the love
story, were pulling to two different direction. As if the action and fight
sequences were there just to remind us that it was an action flick.
Oh
well. It's an interesting piece of science fiction that reflects the times in
which it was made, as well as a fond appreciation for films like “Blade Runner”
and certain anime. Not to mention that it has an interesting cast for a film
that feels like it was straight to video. Soon to be stars like Jolie, and
familiar faces like Drago. Drago is one of those actors who I always think of
as being typecast in the genre of horror, and like Clint Howard, it just isn't
true. They have faces for horror I guess.
So
in conclusion, “Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow” isn’t too good, but it isn't too bad
either. It offers something a little different from the other “Cyborg” films
and is worth a watch if you are interested in the series. However there is
another cyborg/action/love story that I can whole heartedly recommend, and it's
called “Cherry
2000”. It has a very similar story, involving
the future and sex robots, but the story is better told and is more fun to
watch. It's a soon to be cult film, as soon as people learn what it is. It's
one part grindhouse, one part noire and three parts cheeky entertainment.
I’m
Cory Carr and this concludes another trip in The Action Movie Time Machine.
Until next time, SEMPER FI PUNK!
For
more from Cory, check out slaughterfilm.com. The home of
weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!
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