one word reviews of Movies and TV

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 58) November 2015

FOR MATURE AUDIENCE


Fall has fallen and the boys at Simplistic Reviews have taken it upon themselves to kick off the Thanksgiving Month right.  There's Ronda Rousey Roadhouse talk, an uncensored Julie, Kelly LeBrock reminiscing and a good old fashioned game of Kill, F%*k, Marry.

All this in more in a turkey filled episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast

NOTES
The Usual Suspects
Ronda Rousey Loss
Woman In Red
Roadhouse
Fargo's Mike Milligan

MUSIC
My Flows Is Tight By Lord Digga
Action In Memphis By John Pearson
The Ususal Suspects Theme By John Ottman
Cast Your Fate To The Wind By Vince Guaraldi

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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Countdown to The Force Awakens (Episode I) - Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

As we inch closer to the release of this year's most anticipated release, "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Road Chip" I thought it only appropriate to bring up another film that might garner some attention in the next month or so; "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." I know much hasn't been made of this film and it's flying under the radar, but to get everyone in the mood and to be completely original, it seemed time to take a look back and discuss the previous six entries in the "Star Wars" franchise and do a little retrospective.

While many people don't like to admit that they exist, the "Star Wars" prequels do in fact, and they are canon to the entire "Star Wars" universe. Sorry people, but they do. With that being said, let's start ripping the band-aid off right away and jump right into 1999's "The Phantom Menace" released 16 years after "Return of the Jedi."

"Phantom" takes place 32 years before "A New Hope" and regales the audience with the story of trade agreements, treaty signings, bartering for parts of a ship, diplomacy, Jedi Council meetings, oh, and some lightsaber action. If you're a big fan of intergalactic politics, you might find some fun in "Phantom," but for most of us, even the biggest "Star Wars" fans will find the fun and will mostly be yearning for what came before in the later "sequels," and by sequels I mean the original three films.

During "Phantom" we meet some old faces, just younger; including Jedi in training Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Padawan learner of Jedi Knight, Qui-Gon Jinn, Senator Palpatine who will eventually become Emperor Palpatine in the later films, and of course Anakin Skywalker, the one who was thought to bring balance to The Force, but instead turned his back on the Jedi order and would become Darth Vader.

Why'sa peoples hate'sa me so much....
The main issue with "Phantom" and there are plenty, is the gall of it's creator, George Lucas, to expect old fans of the series to like what he likes no matter what. Sure, I get it, the original trilogy was written at a different time and place. The 70s and 80s were interesting time, and while studios had priorities like selling toys, lunchboxes, collectible cups at McDonald's and Burger King, the 90s brought about a time where not only were the kids that grew up with "A New Hope" and "The Empire Strikes Back" now adults, but many of them were wealthy adults, or at least man-children, that would eat up collectibles like candy. Not to mention, most of these adults now had children that only had to point at something they saw at K-B Toys (yes, K-B Toys used to be a thing) and it was rung up at the cash register. While I blame Lucas for 90% of what you end up seeing on screen, there is plenty of blame to go around with yes-men/women and plenty of people that would not say no to the all-mighty Lucas who created something so beloved and everlasting that nothing we could do would be wrong. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and with the rise of the Internet, "Phantom" has gone down as not only one of the worst films in the "Star Wars" Universe, but some might say one of the worst films ever made.
I'm just here for the purple lightsaber

Okay, with that out of the way, let the "Star Wars" fan come out and actually say some good things about this film, this should be short of course;

The relationship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan is the heartbeat of the film, albeit a weak one that isn't fully explored or fleshed out. It's clear that both Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are trying their best with what they've been given and knowing the lore of "Star Wars" the relationship between a Jedi and his Padawan learner is a powerful thing, I just wish there was more to it. The seeds are planted early that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon often are at odds, especially about taking Anakin to Coruscant to showcase him in front of the other Master Jedi, but there is that mutual love and respect between the two, as well as the student and teacher motif, that while it may seem lame, makes a more profound effect later on in "Revenge of the Sith."

I could have been a contender...
Darth Maul also makes a decent showing, even though it's far too short of one. In the original trilogy the only bad guy you worried about was Darth Vader. Sure, Boba Fett was cool, and I would almost call Maul the Boba Fett of the prequel series. While we get to see so little of him, he was turned into somewhat of a cult figure in the series, much like Fett himself. There is no denying that the final lightsaber fight between Maul, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon is the highlight of this film, it was so much a highlight that later we would get prequel books about the origin of Maul and the inevitable return of Maul as a half Sith, half robot with spider-legs, that was the appeal of Maul.

Of course I could beat a dead horse, but outside of those few lone bright spots, "Phantom" is plagued by issues that turn a once proud franchise into a near "MST3K" quality film. From the pratfalls of Jar Jar Binks, to the neverending Pod Racer sequence, to the cringe-worthy dialogue spewed by Jake Lloyd as the future Dark Lord of the Sith, and of course the lifeless performance by Natalie Portman, this film lacks fun, goodness, and the goofy innocence of "Star Wars" films past and replaces it with goofy out of place humor and lifeless exposition that will leave many fans, like myself, hollow and yearning for nostalgia, or at least "The Star Wars Christmas Special."

So, has another 16 years made this film any better? Not really. The CG looks dated, the characters are just as insufferable, and outside of this film being canon, there really isn't much you'll get out of it. Many of the best things about "Phantom" aren't even brought up again in the proceeding films, original trilogy included, so it begs the questions? What was the purpose of the prequels, namely this film? Oh yeah.....midi-chlorians....that's it.....midi-chlorians......

Stay tuned in the next few days for more "Star Wars" goodness as we move on to another winner; "Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clones."

Saturday, October 31, 2015

SR Podcast (Ep. 57) "Happy" Halloween 3: Season of the Witch: October 2015

Happy Halloween!

Today is Halloween and to celebrate we figured what would be a better way then with the very unappreciated but great...

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
98 mins | Horror | 1982

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

The gang gathers around for this Halloween film that doesn't feature Micheal Myers but does feature but not limited to, Killer Halloween Masks! Commercialization of the Halloween! Witchcraft! Androids! Shamrocks! and Tom mofo Atkins! It's a spooky film for a spooky day...now if only we could drink a McDonald's Shamrock Shake with a hit of whiskey that would make this day even better!

Friday, October 30, 2015

The Horror Time Capsule - 2000: Scream 3

WEAK
Scream 3 - Weak

Like any good trilogy, there is always one of the films that fails; most of the time at least. "The Godfather Trilogy" had Part 3, "Back to the Future" had Part 3, so I guess it goes to show you that most Part 3's are pretty bad or just jump the shark entirely. This bring me to "Scream 3" a film that only jumps the shark, but nearly ruins a series that redefined the horror genre.

"Scream 3" is the continuing story of Sidney Prescott and the killer in the Ghostface mask. This time around the movie within a movie "Stab 3: Return to Woodsboro" is in production when people start getting murdered based around the film's script. Back on the case is Gale Weathers, Deputy Dewey, and a brand new cast of characters.

Overall, this film really lacks the fun and freshness of the first two films, and the story gets so convoluted with new story-lines and "revelations" that is just all becomes too much, and that is exactly the reason "Scream 3" is the lowest rated in the series.

The one bright spot is Park Posey who is playing Gale Weathers in the "Stab" film. I've always been a Posey fan, and this is one of her most memorable and fun roles in quite a while.

I won't spoil the ending for those who still haven't gotten around to watching "Scream 3" but it's one of the most ridiculous ones, almost as ridiculous as Sidney seeing her dead mother throughout the film, but that's neither here nor there....

Do you like scary movies.....well, check out these other films from 2000:

Final Destination
Ginger Snaps
Hollow Man
Ju-on
Pitch Black
What Lies Beneath

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Horror Time Capsule - 1999: House on Haunted Hill

MISUNDERSTOOD
House on Haunted Hill - Misunderstood

I'm not sure why there are certain films that take hold of me, especially universally panned films, that have such a lasting impression on me. I guess I'm the inverted horror movie hipster. While people will always hold Dario Argento and any type of obscure Hungarian and Spanish horror director in high regard, I love schlock and appreciate horror that is not only all that good, but just plan bad. This brings me to the remake of the William Castle classic "House on Haunted Hill." This 1999 remake is the first film from the Dark Castle brand, that was started by super star producers Joel Silver and  director Robert Zemekis, who you might also remember had a huge hand in the creation of the "Tales from the Crypt" TV series.

"House" follows a similar story to it's predecessor, however it includes the backstory of the titular "House on Haunted Hill" which was an insane asylum that housed a maniacal doctor who performed heinous experiments on the inmates until there was a revolt and everyone was murdered and the asylum burnt down.

Years later, eccentric theme park owner, Steven Price, wants to throw a party for his wife at the "House" that includes several of her friends, but by some work of evil, the invitations are changed and all new guests are invited, most of whom are connected by some wicked twist of fate.

There are a few things I like about this film, actually, I think the good certainly outweighs the bad for me. First, it's funny to me that the roller coaster they use for Price's newest creation, is actually the "Incredible Hulk" roller coaster at Islands of Adventure in Florida, a roller coaster I know all too well. I also love all the subtle nods to the Castle original, and the over-the-top performances, especially from Geoffery Wright who sells it so well as Steven Price. Lastly, the monster effects are awesome, and remind me a lot of the monsters in "Silent Hill," but what could you expect from Greg Nicotero.

Sure, when you get down to it, this is a genre film, and it has flaws, but that doesn't make it bad. For a genre fan, and a relative poopoo'er on remakes, this one holds up and is super entertaining.

You have been invited.....to check out these other gems from 1999:

The Blair Witch Project
Deep Blue Sea
End of Days
The Haunting
Lake Placid
The Mummy
Ravenous
Sleepy Hollow
Stir of Echoes

The Horror Time Capsule - 1998: Dee Snider's Strangeland

PROTO
Dee Snider's Strangeland - Proto

The mid to late 90's brought us a lot of trends; goth wear, Jnco jeans, rave gear, industrial music, so many trends to name, but there was also the rise of the tattoo and piercing sub-culture. It really wasn't until the end of the 90s where tattoos and extreme piercing really started to become socially acceptable. So it made sense for genre films, namely horror, to take on genre trends, and nothing screams genre trends like "Dee Snider's Strangeland," a movie that was about about six years early for the "torture porn" genre, and you might even call it the "proto torture porn film."

"Strangeland" is the tale of piercing, tattooing, industrial music, the internet, and catfishing. Captain Howdy, played by Snider himself, is a sadistic kidnapper who lures people from the internet to his house of horrors that includes extreme piercing and other forms of torture. After kidnapping a cop's daughter, Howdy is arrested and sent sent away for rehabilitation.

Years later it is deemed that Captain Howdy, or as we know him now as Carlton Hendricks, has been cleared to re-enter society, but of course an angry mob led by Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) doesn't like it one bit leading to a lynching and the re-birth of Captain Howdy, now crazier than ever.

So, this film isn't all that great, it's pretty mundane and there isn't much of a twist and it owes a lot of it's story to "A Nightmare on Elm Street" but it does have some pretty fun makeup effects and Snider looks like he is having a lot of fun being a creep. One of the things that I find the most amusing, but also the most unnecessary is the scene where we all find out, as an audience, how the internet and chat rooms work. Of course, at the time, this was revolutionary since the internet was brand new, but it automatically renders this film pretty static in it's technology.

One of the best parts of this film, especially if you're a metal-head, is the soundtrack, which Snider, who is a bit of a metal god, handpicked himself, including a still unknown System of a Down with one of the better songs on the soundtrack, "Marmalade."

Should one see "Strangeland?" Sure, why not, it's not the best and it's not the worst in late 90s horror and it's an interesting little time capsule, especially if you want a tutorial on chat rooms.

No need to "hang around" check out these other goodies from 1998:

Apt Pupil
Bride of Chucky
The Dentist 2
The Faculty
Halloween H20
Psycho (1998)
Urban Legend

Monday, October 26, 2015

The Horror Time Capsule - 1997: Mimic

GOOEY
Mimic - Gooey

I loved 1997, I was a weird, awkward middle-schooler obsessed with movies, horror, and for some weird reason, Mira Sorvino. I don't know what it was about her, but I'm sure we all remember our movies crushes, and this was probably one of my biggest ones at that age.

This brings me to "Mimic" a relatively generic 1997 monster flick, but again, it holds a special place in my heart because it starred the lovely Mira Sorvino (imagine a 14 year old Matt reviewing this film).

In New York, a disease called Strickers is decimating the child population in the city, think of it as a cross between polio and the plague. Dr. Susan Tyler discovers the cause stems from cockroaches living in the cities sewers so she develops a new breed of bug; the Judas bug that will infiltrate the roach population and wipe them out from the inside out all while dying off themselves within a few months. All goes well and Strickers is all but wiped out and the city's children are safe.

A few years later, a priest is attacked and killed by an unknown entity. CDC officials become involved and soon learn that the Judas breed might not only still be available but might also involved into something else that might be walking among the people of New York.

Overall, I think "Mimic" is a fun monster film with some great practical effects, but also some very lackluster mid-90s CG. The supporting cast, including Jeremy Northam, Charles S. Dutton, and Josh Brolin put in good performances, including Brolin, and his death scenes, which is one of the highlights of the film for him.

Other things that bothered me are the inclusion of child actors in this film. There are three, all annoying, but at least two of them meet relatively gory endings, which I stand up and applaud.

This is an early offering from Guillermo del Toro, who most will know from both "Hellboy" films and "Pacific Rim" but a lot of people forget that he cut his teeth in Hollywood on horror films like "Mimic" and the almost-forgotten vampire flick "Cronos." I would love to see del Toro go back to his horror roots in future films, and not just something like "Crimson Peak."

If "Mimic" doesn't bug you, maybe some of these other films from 1997 will:

Alien Resurrection
Anaconda
Event Horizon
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Scream 2
Uncle Sam

The Horror Time Capsule - 1996: The Dentist

The Dentist: SQUIRM
(In the best way)

1996 | Horror | 92 mins 


"It's Time For Your Final Appointment"



From the Director of Beyond Re-Animator, Bride of Re-Animator, Return of the Living Dead III and Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 comes...

The Dentist. A gory of a slasher with the frosting of comedy. The Dentist isn't a masterpiece by any means but it does entertain. It is a bit goofy in every sense. But the strong part is its ability to make the audience squirm. Using a Dentist as its slasher is already grabbing a majority of people who hate going to the Dentist. Utilizing this with the operation rooms is the best thing of this film.

Breaking teeth, using Clamps, Vices, Fastening in mouths and of course Drills is what makes this film a must watch.

A few minutes in you'll understand this is unlike most slashers, it's a over acting 90's slasher that makes the viewer squirm in their seat. Thats unique because it feels real. 

For an example a puppet spitting up warms isn't that itching to the spine. But a Dentist knocking out a girl, ripping off her pantyhose, touching and kissing her is.

Watching teeth break is and a man with a transplanted eye from a serial killer isn't.

The Dentist uses real life events (yes to the extreme) to make us entertained no matter how over the top it may be. The strongest thing a film can do is connect to the viewer and The Dentist nails that.

It a fun watch that does nothing but flat out entertain.


Little Trivia: Early Mark Riffalo appearance

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