3 Simplistic Things: June 2016

We are half-way through the year already, can you believe it?! The dog days of Summer are here, so the news is a little thin, but let's look at a few things.

Winter is Here

This season was both a culling of the field for a lot of characters on the show, and an olive branch to some fans...cough....DJ...cough...who were growing tired of seeing bad things happen to good characters. This was also the first season not truly behold to books that may or may not even come out in the next decade.

People Will Watch Anything by Pixar

 

Finding Dory is proof positive that Pixar has their priorities backwards, and perhaps Ellen Degeneres has photos of John Lasseter doing....things....who knows...Anyway, perhaps this film is good, perhaps it's not, but I don't really care, but I guess nearly a billion people are right. Right?

RIP Anton

Live long and prosper.....

Til next month......kthnxbye

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Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence Day: Resurgence - Trash

 

Never has a movie pissed me off more. I mean wtf is going on here? Every element from 96's ID4 is horrifically whored out like the little slut it apparently is. Listen I get ID4 is not perfect as some people make it out to be, but it was a good summer film that I thought was honestly pure fun. A sequel was never needed. But if it was to become a reality this is far from it. Resurgence is a mess it simply is a thrown together money grabber like Sony is doing with Ghostbusters. There is no reason for any of these films to be made but for greed little shits to make money. This new ID4.2 world is a overblown CG shit feast of a futuristic 2016 that does nothing but make me cringe the entire time.

This whole this is just sad. Everything about this is disgustingly sad.

Dylan Hiller (Hiller's son) who is played as a complete douche by Jessie T. Usher is back but in the place of his father. Will Smith didn't want to come back and I fully understand why. The thing about him being thrown into his fathers role is that even though Dylan hasn't done anything worthy, for some reason he gets to ride his fathers coattails and is placed on the same pedestal. What the hell has he done himself?! Oh and the fact that Will Smith dies during a Test-flight makes the hero Hiller more like a zero. It would of been better if he ate a bullet because he couldn't take the fame and nightmares anymore. Or maybe because he saw this train wreck. Dylan Hiller is one annoying ass character.

Thor's brother can't lead a movie to save is life. He has no charisma. His acting is fine but the dude just can not hold a film on his own. His dialogue also makes him another annoying character in a already bloat annoying character film. Why this character is even here is a mystery to all. Thou he does make a lot of stupid faces which made the film a bit more enjoyable...a bit more.

Goldblum is back! He's playing the same character as before, just for some reason seems to be a lot smarter now. I mean he was a smart dude before but in this movie he just guesses everything and it's always completely right. There is like 5 times where everyone is like, "What is this...". Goldblum just pops in with the right answer out of the blue. The writers did a poor job on this film. Goldblum being brought back was a way to make their job easier to explain and keep plot-holes from manifesting.

Bastards. Oh yeah

Goldblum's dad is back, he does nothing but put a whole school bus of kids in danger of being brutally killed. Yep that's it. Seriously watch the movie, he does nothing.

President Bill Pullman is back and...Makes another speech. You know it worked before, but this one is very forced, like rape. Plus his voice was all over the place I'm not sure what happened there and he takes a place of another character from the first ID4. (One that is already dead) Again he's thrown in because its a sequel! So lets throw Vivica Fox in as well. Who is not a stripper anymore, she a doctor! Good for her and her douche son.

The ending is pretty much the same as the first one, killing the aliens and hugging in a desert. I must say this was one of the laziest movies I've seen in years. Guess what? The ending is setup for a sequel. Yep and boy will you be amazed with this ending.

All and all this movie did nothing. Really it is the direct to VHS blockbuster shit version of 96's ID4. It was utter trash.

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Ep. 71: Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice - Ultimate Edition - Movie Commentary: July 2016

Batman V Superman

 2016 | Superhero | 181 minutes

Today on this 4th of July we fight a 3hr war, one we thought we would lose. But we made it through all 3hrs of Zack Snyder's poor choices to bring you another Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. We're sure you have better things to do today. Drink and Eating come to mind. But the time may come when you must watch that

Batman V Superman

Dawn of Justice

Ultimate Edition

Extended Cut

Collectors Edition

Movie Commentary

Christ that's a mouthful. Then lets watch it together. A army of one. A uprising to be independent from unbelievable plot holes in a $250 million dollar movie. I mean it's crazy to think these people are professionals and still somehow find work.

So remember young ones. You don't need to jam 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag. Fill up that first bag with all that needed shit and grab another 5 pound bag to finish stuffing that shit. Because having two bags of shit is okay, not one overstuffed bag of shit with plot holes throughout its 3hr run time is okay. Shit boys and girl, that just doesn't fly!

 

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SR Podcast (Ep. 70): Picasso Trigger - Movie Commentary: June 2016

Picasso Trigger

1988 | Action | 1hr 39mins

 

It's Friday! So we thought another  

Movie Commentary was in order!

Continuing our marathon of the one and only Andy Sidaris. If this is your first time, Sidaris is the king of B-Rated films that pretty much only contains the 3 elements any film really ever needs Bullets, Babes and Sex!

Today we let lose on Picasso Trigger, another solid entry into the Sidaris legacy. 

"Double agent Picasso Trigger is assassinated in Paris by double-crossing bad guy Miguel Ortiz. Then Ortiz begins eliminating agents of The Agency who were involved in his brother's death. The Agency (belatedly) springs into action to stop Ortiz' heinous activities. The usual gunplay, romance, and nifty toys with bombs ensue." 

 So grab a cold one and get ready for a thrill of a lifetime, because kids this is...

 Picasso Trigger!

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Trailer Hot Take: 31

Hey folks. Haven't done one of these in a while, mainly because there hasn't been anything that's tickled my fancy. Now comes the long-awaited, at least for one, first trailer for Rob Zombie's latest, "31." Take your fear of clowns, "House of 1000 Corpses," mix it with the cult video game "Manhunt" and you pretty much see how this film is going to pan out

  

Just look at that creepy title card, sets the tone

The contestants of 31

Malcom McDowell in his best Marquis de Sade get-up

Plenty of creepy clowns, maybe even a Hitler clown?

I could talk about the gore, but some of these shots are works of art

It all just puts a smile on your face, and remember, in Hell, everybody loves popcorn

"31" will be heading to VOD in September, and will hopefully be on the big screen sometime in October.

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3 Simplistic Things: May 2016

May came and went, and with June on the way out as well, it seemed only natural to talk about stuff that happened almost a month and a half ago, so we are go with another 3 Simplistic Things that happened in May.

PREACH!

For a show that could have easily failed, there really isn't anything bad to say about AMC's newest graphic-novel-to-TV adaptation, "Preacher." Dominic Cooper encapsulates Jesse Custer, and showrunners, Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg obviously have a love for the source material, and anyone who thought, how are they going to do Arseface...well, they did it.

Apocalyptic Blowback 

It almost seems like this one was bound to fail. Yes, "X-Men: Apocalypse" is a huge mess on screen, about three movies rolled into one, confusing make-up design, odd voice modulation, numerous extreme close-ups, and just some overall weird choice, but while this film has problems, it's still pretty watchable despite it's flaws.

Depp Trouble

The creepy smile says it all.

Til next month....kthnxbye.

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 69) May 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On the May edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast...Justin Polizzi...absolutely...LOSES IT!  Matt and DJ are powerless to stop him from  embracing the dark side and unleashing his anger about the new Ghostbusters movies...and Finding Dory...and Spider-Man Homecoming...and the television upfront trailers for Lethal Weapon, MacGyver and Training Day.  Polizzi's unbridled rage and fury sends the show toppling down into a dark abyss of obscenities and inappropriate behavior with household pets. An abyss the show may never ever be able to recover from.  Now doesn't that sound like a show that you should listen to?!  All that and more on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Lethal Weapon Television Series
Training Day Television Series
MacGyver Television Series
Tetris Film
Joe Pesci Rap Song "Wise Guy"
Ghostbusters Trailer 2

MUSIC
1976 By RJD2
My Flows Is Tight By Lord Digga
Action In Memphis By Johnny Pearson
Let It Happen By Tame Impala

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3 Simplistic Things: April 2016

A little late getting around to this quick wrap-up of the events of April, but you just might say that's a "foolish" excuse.

Drinking Beyonce's 'Lemonade'

I mean who wouldn't want to drink whatever would come out of Beyonce. Apparently not Jay-Z since he was 'Drunk in Love' with someone else. HBO unleashed Beyonce's latest art-pop-film-waste of the public's time, and so...yeah....that's about it. But hey, when you look like Queen B, you can do whatever you want.

A Return to Westeros

A new season of Game of Thrones is always an event, and this season might be the most anticipated. The show has pretty much surpassed the books and TV audiences are finally at the same point of book readers. Episode One showed a glimpse of things to come, and it should be one of the series' best season since Season Three.

Sleep Well Sweet Prince

Nothing really to say, but; RIP

See you all next month. kthnxbye.

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 68) BONUS CONTENT

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

If you listened to the cold open to Episode 68 of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, guest starring Matty Negs from Negs Best Thing and Al Pacino, you might have heard Julie in the background taping something in the recording studio.  In this Bonus Content clip, you can hear exactly what she was saying on her side of the glass.

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