The Horror Time Capsule - 1993: Body Bags

BODY BAGS: UN-FILLING

91 mins | Horror/Sci-Fi anthology | 1993

HBO had Tales from the Crypt, Showtime had nothing. But that all changed on August 8th 1993, Body Bags an anthology TV movie aired on Showtime...and that was it.

A star studded of a cast came together to make an extremely un-filling 91 minutes. Tales from the Crypt had the Crypt Keeper hosting its episodes, Body Bags had "The Coroner" played fantastically by the great John Carpenter. Yes I know I'm comparing apples and oranges, TV show with TV movie but clearly this is what Showtime had in mind. They had the power to do something unique but instead came up short.

The three best things are John Carpenter playing The Coroner, who is the most entertaining piece in this puzzle of a film. The second is the first story, "The Gas Station" which is a solid story that sets you up to be disappointed. The third is the cast, a balls to the wall of this guy and that comes up short. I liked this cast alot. It's a shame they didn't make more, it would of been fun to see where it goes with others making special appearances.


"The Morgue"
John Carpenter as The Coroner
Tom Arnold as Morgue Worker #1
Tobe Hooper as Morgue Worker #2

Is the glue that holds everything together. The Coroner is the Crypt Keeper here hosting the stories in a flat out entertaining performance by John Carpenter.

"The Gas Station"
Robert Carradine as Bill
Alex Datcher as Anne
Wes Craven as Pasty Faced Man
Sam Raimi as Dead Bill
David Naughton as Pete
Lucy Boryer as Peggy
George Buck Flower as Stranger
Molly Cheek as Divorcee

Only story that makes me feel like I didn't waste my time. The others aren't horrible but the this one just works. It's a simple slasher, which paired with guests set the bar way too high. Seeing the likes of Craven, Raimi and Carradine peeked my interest. But I guess its just too good for this film, because sadly the others don't come any close to "The Gas Station".


"Hair"
Stacy Keach as Richard Coberts
David Warner as Dr. Lock
Sheena Easton as Megan
Dan Blom as Dennis
Gregory Nicotero as Man with Beautiful Hair
Kim Alexis as Woman with Beautiful Hair
Deborah Harry as The Nurse

Stacy Keach plays a guy who isn't happy with his thinning hair. Sheena Easton says no and she loves him anyway. But it's just too depressing :( ...He tries a few comical treatments but nothing helps. I'm pretty sure this whole story was suppose to be the funny one then again it was the 90's. And let me say its very 90's, very very 90's.

He see a commercial and decides to try it. "Dr. Lock" played by David Warner (Titanic, Tron, The Omen) is the doc that can help. He asks Stacy what kind of hair he'd like using a 90's computer generated program, you know how that looks without me saying anymore. Keach picks the Stallion. Yep it is its name, long black hair (see picture). And the whole things was done over night, without surgery! Sounds to good to be true hun? Well it is... And when you find out why, it feels like a copout. When its revealed I could hear myself say, "Really?!" I didn't care much for it but I did like it more then the "Eye". "Hair" was so bad yet I honestly think I liked this story about a guys hair more then the guy and his eye.

"Eye"
Mark Hamill as Brent Matthews
Twiggy as Cathy Matthews
John Agar as Dr. Lang
Roger Corman as Dr. Bregman
Charles Napier as Baseball Team Manager
Eddie Velez as Baseball Player

Were "Hair" was about hair I bet you can't figure out what "Eye" is about?...NOPE

Your wrong it is about...

A eye. Let that settle in a bit. We have a film that is made up of three stories. Two are about something on your body. Not much to pick from apparently. "The Gas Station" stands out for its pacing and the fact its different then the others. "Hair" and "Eye" are about two guys getting transplants. And its goes wrong, like it feels like they didn't try. "The Gas Station" isn't a perfect film, but the "Eye" and "Hair" come off like they ran out of ideas and gave it to their 8 year old son to write. When you have three films it should feel like three and not two.

"Eye" is about a baseball player with an annoying accent. His wife played by Twiggy losses her American accent a few times and that too becomes annoying. Mark Hamill here is somewhat a joy to watch. The thing is he has always been but here I feel he was wasted. When he gets into a bad car accident in which his right eye is destroyed. He ends up losing it but receives one from a donor. The donor ends up being a serial killer who killed woman and had sex with them. This eye begins to take over the good old southern wholesome baseball player who was making his way to the top.

And thats it. Still feel hungry for more don't you? Yeah thats how I felt.

"The Gas Station" = Solid

"Hair" = Short

Should of been left out. Or give us more. I didn't mind the story but there could of been more, the story came up short for me on creativity.

"Eye" = Weak

Like the "Hair" I think it should of been left out. What would of been cool if they connected it to "The Gas Station" and its serial killer. Maybe that was his eye, sure it sounds like Im doing a copout but at least it's something.

Because what we got in the end was very un-filling.

Kinda felt this way after the film but The Gas Station saved me

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 56) October 2015

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

To celebrate this creepy time of year, why not hang with the creepy movie aficionados in the biz.  On this Halloween edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk candy...fall TV premieres...Ronda Rousey's Roadhouse and Hayden Christensen.

This episode is filled to the brim with tricks and treats.  Grab your machete, your knife glove, and put on your inside out William Shatner mask and enjoy!


NOTES
Jennifer Lawrence's Hunger Games C-word poster
Sam Smith Writing On the Wall
Ellen Pompeo criticizes Daniel Craig

MUSIC
Created A Monster by B.o.B. 
Murder Was The Case By Snoop Dogg
Bonfire By Childish Gambino
Saw Theme By Charles Clouser
Halloween Theme By John Carpenter

 Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Letterboxd, and Pinterest

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1991: The Pit and the Pendulum

PREACHY

The Pit and the Pendulum -Preachy

There is no doubt that outside of Stephen King, Edgar Allan Poe has been one of the most influential authors for filmmakers to rely upon. Okay, I'll include H.P. Lovecraft in that conversation as well. And, you know what, that is a perfect segway considering Stuart Gordon's "The Pit and the Pendulum."

"Pit" is a take on the classic Poe story about the Spanish Inquisition and it's most famous torture instrument; The Pendulum. In this tale, a couple, Maria and Antonio, are taken prisoner after Maria is accused of being a witch. The Grand Inquisitor, played by horror favorite, Lance Henrickson, takes a liking to Maria and believes that she has godly powers. Antonio, tries to free his beloved, but finds himself at the mercy of the dreaded Pendulum. Will they both escape?

So, this film same out where it seemed that horror had really gone stale was were looking back at old ideas for horror. The main one that comes to my mind is "The Phantom of the Opera" remake starring Robert Englund. Whereas the "Phantom" was a bit of a mess, and relied on gore, "Pit" while there is some gore, relies more on the horror of the Inquisition with an added dose of the supernatural.

I brought up Lovecraft earlier in this review because two names who are synonymous with Lovecraftian films, Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Combs, direct and star in the film, respectively. Gordon would go on to work on "Dagon" and pretty much any other film that would be based around some sort of Poe or Lovecraft lore.

Overall, I thought this movie would be far worse than it was, but there is actually some very gallows humor throughout and there are some absolutely silly "Spanish" accents, like they aren't even trying, which I think adds that extra touch of class. Henricksen stands out as the Grand Inquisitor of course, and he hams it up big time.

If you're a Poe fan, you might like this film, but I'm sure you might have issues. However, it's still a fun film if you can get past the religious preaching and overacting.

Here are some other films from '91 that aren't the pits:

Child’s Play3
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
The People Under the Stairs
Sometimes They Come Back

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1992: Candyman

ICONIC

Candyman - Iconic

One thing that has always been a constant is the need for horror icons, especially in the slasher genre. Mainly, it all equals money for studios. Between "Friday the 13th" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" the 80s were the times of franchising everything and anything. Enter the 90s, and in the vein those classics from the 80s, we were gifted another potential boogeyman who could have become the next horror icon, but two lackluster sequels later, we only have the original film, which is still a solid film on it's own; enter "Candyman,' from 1992.

Based on the Clive Barker novella, "Candyman" is the tale of folklore and mythology in the ghetto of Chicago, whereas the original tale was told in the slums of London. Helen is a grad student working on urban myths who stumbles upon a rather gruesome tale of a man with a hook for a hand who kills at will. Digging deeper into the story of Candyman unearths a story of a man who fell in love with a woman and is murdered in cold blood with the help of bees and honey. Soon Helen finds herself haunted by Candyman who wants Helen to become his newest victim and restore his visage which he believes Helen has destroyed.

If nothing else, "Candyman" is a 90s reboot of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" a story about belief and how mythology plays an important part in our daily lives. The same way that Freddy is powerful based on his fear, is the same way that Candyman is effective in his terror.

What I still think makes "Candyman" scary, is the same way that people are still scared of Freddy Kruger; it's a childhood fear. I remember first hearing about this film when I was in 4th grade and just the thought of being alone in a bathroom and saying "Candyman" five times in a mirror scared me more than anything. Even the thought of being dared to say it by some friends scared me. Looking at it now as an adult I realize that this is all make believe, but still, there is that little thing in the back of your head that you still think it might be real.

Overall, "Candyman" is an interesting film that has a great Gothic/Shakespearean feel to it. There is tragedy and bloodshed, not to mention an interesting twist at the end that you might not see coming.

We dare you to watch these other 1992 films in a mirror five times:

Alien 3
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Hellraiser 3
Sleepwalkers

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Simplistic TV: American Horror Story: Hotel

HOMAGE

American Horror Story: Hotel - Homage

Here's my history with "American Horror Story;" I like maybe half the season and I just kind of "check out." I don't know what it is about the series, but unlike other people, it's never dug it's nails into me and made me want to finish off a season. "Freak Show" came pretty close last season, but once they did away with Twisty the Clown, I tuned out. The took away, at least to me, the best past of the show, and aborted it.

This brings me to the newest edition of the "AHS" anthology; "Hotel." What I'm looking for is a reason to keep checking out this season and keeping it on until the end. If I get what I saw in the first 20 or so minutes in the premier, I think I'll be happy. Full disclosure, the first 20 minutes scared my wife away who couldn't watch anymore.

"Hotel" stars the Hotel Cortez, an old hotel in Los Angeles, with a sordid history of murder, mayhem, and of course...ghosts. Most of the standard cast returns from "AHS" past, including Kathy Bates as yet another old coot who has seen too much. Sarah Paulson returns as a weirdo once again. Wes Bently is back too, this time as a cop with a family. Last but not least we have Lady Gaga being introduced as surprise surprise; a weirdo.

You might ask yourself, "Matt, why are you being so dismissive of this season so far?" Well, I'm not, I'm just painting this season in generalizations so far as to not give anything away

Overall, the premier pushed the limits in a lot of ways that even kind of surprised me, but perhaps this is the "Gaga Effect" where limits must be pushed. I think this newest edition to the "AHS" series has a lot of potential since it seems to take a lot from the past, namely the "Murder House" season with enough wacky characters where it will remind you of the latest season "Freak Show."

Of course the same people will turn in no matter what, but I think there is enough crossover appeal where even curious, or bi-curious, members of the audience might even give this season a try. Me, for one, enjoys the bygone era of old seedy Los Angeles, and to end this, I really hope they decide not to go the "Freak Show" route and include music interludes. So far, so good.

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1990: Stephen King's Graveyard Shift

EARWORM

Stephen King's Graveyard Shift - Earworm

I've done my fair share of reading Stephen King, but most of his longform work can be just that....work. I've mainly enjoyed his short stories in "Night Shift" and "Skeleton Crew," but that's mainly because I have a short attention span when it comes to reading. This brings me to a film that while it isn't very good, it's very memorable; "Stephen King's Graveyard Shift."

"Shift" is the tale about a backwoods town where the economy is based around a mill that is infested with rats, and other murdery type creatures. A group of men, and a woman, are tasked with cleaning up the mill and getting it up to code by clearing out out the rat problem. However, there is bigger, deadlier, problem around the mill and people start turning up dead.

The film runs a tidy 88 minutes, which is just the right amount of time to tell the tale of a mill with rat problems, but there are plenty of fun takeaways from this film.

One, Brad Dourif, who you might knows as the voice of Chucky, or if you're not a horror fan, as Grima Wormtounge in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, plays the creepy exterminator who hates rats and makes an instant impression. He reminds me of the foul-mouthed cousin of John Goodman's exterminator in "Arachnophobia."

Two, there are some very odd accents in this film, namely Stephen Macht, who's accent is a place between a southern plantation owner and a British parliament leader, it's just odd, and somewhat oft-putting.

Three, and this is only if you stick around for the whole film, the credit song. A combination of lines from the film and jazz beat, this might be the most memorable part of the film.

Overall, this isn't a bad film, it's just a Stephen King short that ended up being a film like so many films before and after. "Gravetard Shift" just happens to have enough quirks to make it enjoyable and memorable.

If you thought this film was bitchin', check out these others from 1990:

Child’s Play 2
Gremlins 2
It
Leatherface: TCM 3
Nightbreed
Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie
Tremors

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1989: Friday the 13th Pt. 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

CHEESE

Friday the 13th Pt. 8 - Cheese

There is good cheese, and bad cheese; "Friday the 13th Pt. 8" is equals part both, mainly because it is so God damned 80s. It reeks of everything the 1980s was and will always be remembered by. In fact, this film is the most 80s of all the films in the series. Did I mention how 80s this film is....

So, "Jason Takes Manhattan." Once again, Jason rises from the grave, again, with the help of some lightning and a metal anchor. After his first two welcome back kill of some horny, and whiny, teens, he catches a ride with more horny and whiny teens on a high school cruise to New York City. On this doomed cruise is Renny, a teen who also happens to have some history with Jason, her dickhead "stepfather-of-sorts" and Kelly Hu in one of her first roles.

Needless to say, Jason kills a bunch of kids, visits Manhattan, and is of course stopped in one of the oddest endings to a "Friday the 13th" movie.

Two things that stand out to me in this one is the resemblance to "The New Blood." We have a teen heroine who has a history with Jason in addition to an overbearing father figure and worrisome mother figure. There is a pseudo-romance between said heroine and hero that is somewhat awkward, and of course the girl who is jealous of the heroine but gets her comeuppance.

The other thing is the vision of New York itself. People tend to forget that New York in the 80s and 90s was pretty much a cesspool. It was pretty dirty and you could say dangerous before gentrification took over. There also seemed to be a lot of open toxic waster just hanging around. New Yorkers who grew up in the 80s and 90s in the city, is this true?

Anyway, while this is one of the weaker edition in the series, it's still totally watchable if not just for the fashion, funny Jason kills, and of course we can't forget Kane Hodder who just brings something special to the Jason role.

For more awesome 80s fashion, check out these other hits:

976-EVIL
Friday the 13th Pt 8
Halloween 5
Leviathan
Nightmare on Elm Street 5
Pet Sematary
Warlock

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1988: Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

WASTE

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers - Waste

I'll give the first "Sleepaway Camp" credit....it had balls, in fact it had cock and balls. Spoiler alert, the killer was a guy all along. Of course, "Camp" wasn't breaking new ground, check out "Dressed to Kill" if you want a real cross-dressing murder story. But the sequel to "Camp," is just a cash in film that has some interesting scenes, but overall it's cheap, silly, and overall just a waste.

"Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers" begins with a "necessary" exposition scene where campers around the fire explain the events in the first film where a girl named Angela killed nearly everyone at Camp Arawak. The twist; Angela was really a boy named Peter who's family was killed. Twist.....

Under an assumed named, Anglea, fresh out of the asylum, is now a camp counselor at Camp Rolling Hills. Obsessed with manners, Angela begins to off all of the philandering counselors one at a time. We've heard this all before.

I hate to be a bastard to this film, but when something isn't good, it isn't very good, which is funny because I have memories of this film dating back to around 6th grade where I first heard the Rolling Hills Camp song (the dirty version of course). I think 6th grade Matt was just interested to her what camp counselors would do if you paid them money.....

Of course there are two more films in the "Sleepaway Camp" series, but if you know what is good for you, you shouldn't go past this one. Sure, if you're a slasher film buff, watch them, but be warned, it only goes down hill from here.

Here are the rest of the best from good old 1988:

The Blob
Child’s Play
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Hellraiser 2
Maniac Cop
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4
Night of the Demons
Pumpkinhead

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The Horror Time Capsule - 1987: Near Dark

DECENT

Near Dark - Decent

It was only a matter of time before I'd sneak a vampire review in here, and I tried to think of one of the most obscure ones I could. This brings me to "Near Dark" and if you pay close enough attention, or use your imagination you might think this is a vampire sequel to "Aliens"

Out tale begins with Caleb, a cowboy on the prowl for a lady love; he finds one in Mae, a mysterious girl who needs to be home before dawn. Caleb bites off more than he can chew after he asks for a kiss and soon finds himself turning into a vampire. He is kidnapped by Mae's "family" which includes Severen (Bill Paxton) and Jesse (Lance Hendrickson). Jesse tasks Caleb with making his first kill within two days or the family will kill him.

Meanwhile, Caleb's father, Loy, along with his sister are on the hunt to find him and find him they do, while they narrowly escape from the family with Caleb in tow. At the end of the day Caleb figures out a way to stop the vampires and lives happily ever after.

There are a lot of interesting things about this film. First is the cast, which is pretty much half the cast of James Cameron's "Aliens."The other tie-in is the director, Katheryn Bigelow, who was married to Cameron at the time. I almost feel like as soon as "Aliens" wrapped Paxton and Hendrickson walked over to a set right across the street and started filming this.

Speaking of Paxton, he steals the show as Severen, the most loony of this vampire family. His antics in the bar scene make the film and show his comedic timing as well as his acting mania. People might give him crap for his overacting in "Aliens" but his overacting in "Near Dark" is exactly what is needed in this film.

Overall, "Near Dark" is a fun film and you can see the tidbits that shows like "True Blood" stole from this offbeat look on our favorite onscreen bloodsuckers.

Here are some other awesome flicks from 1987:

Bad Taste
Creepshow 2
Dolls
Evil Dead 2
Hellraiser
Nightmare of Elm Street 3
Opera

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